Wow.
It's been a while, hasn't it?
Last time I updated was a solid 2 years ago. And all that can happen between what seems like such a small amount of time: is so much.
I last left you all with the note of my progressively worsening illness, Finn's positively developing behavior and an update on the kittens I fostered, what feels like, a lifetime ago.
During those two years of my absence on here, I have been in and out of hospitals, gone through numerous amounts of testing, lost vast amounts of weight and blood and effectively still have no diagnosis or job to show for any of it. Is it hard? You bet your sweet ass it is! Is it rewarding? Most of me wants to say not really. But I've come to a place where I actually do love who I am more genuinely. I've lost friends along the way, but I've gained perspective. I know now what matters most to me. And I'm so very blessed to say Finn is a big part of that.
He has made my life harder in ways that people don't typically see. When I'm so sick I'm unable to do much more than curl up in to a ball and groan (if I'm lucky), he usually somehow ends up vomiting all over the floor, though I will say it's nowhere near as often as it used to be. Sometimes, he outright refuses to go outside when I call him. Thankfully so, it's not terribly hard to leash him. He's learned there are boundaries and he's learned how to push them. It's hard for me to bathe him and I often have to recover for a day, if not two, from that task alone. He makes living with illness that much more trying. And he makes living with illness that much more worth it.
Finn's not bright enough to know when my moods or sickness is worsening, but he's always ready and willing to snuggle up with me and just kick back and relax. He never pushes me too hard when I can't run outside with him. But he's always happy to play as I stand there and fake roar at him as he runs in wide sweeping circles around me. He now thinks "Don't you eat that grass!" is a game and will effectively run a good distance from me where he will henceforth pick up attempting to gobble the grass in one sitting before I reach him. He now knows I can't chase him and catch up to him when he's gone too far outside the borders of our yard. However, he also knows that when mom gets "the tone" that that's the end of disobeying. He still tries to make light of the situation and play, but that just goes to speak how happy he is.
He's a total stinker who is spoiled beyond all reason. But we all know he deserves to be.
He has since started showing the pinpricks of aging. The hair on his muzzle is beginning to spot with white hairs and I couldn't think it's any cuter than I already do. It does serve in reminding me that I don't know his true age, though. Sometimes that worries me because I never know when his time to leave my side is nearing, but then none of us know when it's our time, do we? Just as I could've passed away at the beginning of my problems, Finn could have too. But we're still here. We're still here and cherishing the life we've been blessed to have been living together. Even if for a moment.
Finn is quite the angel (he can be a sneaky lil devil though, don't let his good looks fool you) and I truly believe that he, I and his foster mom, Emily, were brought together for a reason.
I will forever and always be grateful to Emily for rescuing him and loving him so completely despite that she was giving him away to a home like my own.
In the oddest of ways, I have developed as a person more from learning to handle his special quirks that I have had my fair share of. Because of Finn I have become more patient, more understanding and more open-minded in the way I view the world. And the way I view myself. I already thought I was enough of all of those things when I first met him on this day four years ago. Mainly because I always felt so out of place within my own age group. Both with friends and simple acquaintances. I always just knew things they didn't. And felt things beyond explanation. So I started feeling like my mental development was about as developed as it was ever going to get. But he has taught me that there is an infinite amount of learning in so many categories of life. You only achieve being truly smart or wise when you can admit to yourself and others that you don't know everything about anything this world has to offer. We are always learning and there's ample supply for it, if you only have the right mindset to look for it.
I know now that I'm still not done learning. I will be learning until the day I die, possibly beyond then. I'm still searching for who I am in a lot of ways too. I've been looking for a job, but it's difficult. I worry constantly about who would want to hire a twenty-six year old with the health of someone much older than herself (heck, there are people older than me in much better health than I am). I worry about what I can and can't do, all the while knowing that I would give any job my absolute best. But my best isn't the best of what someone my age is expected to have. I worry about the ability to find a significant other and my ability to have children should the question ever pose itself. I'm down on my luck currently, but God never ceases sending me amazing messages of positivity to uplift my soul when I'm feeling my absolute lowest. They come in some of the craziest forms. But one thing is for sure: They always come.
I'll be honest: I'm tired of waiting. But I'm trying to be patient in that endeavor as well. I'm a person who has been obsessed with having complete control over the direction of my life. I had to wipe that clean. And while I'm still trying to come to terms with letting go and allowing what will be to be, I know that I have one of the greatest support systems by my side.
My parents have been such a huge support during these years of uncertainty. I can't begin without bringing out a laundry list of just how many things they've done for me and continue to do for me. I've always loved my abuela, whom I affectionately dubbed Wella since as a child I didn't understand the word "Abuela", but I feel in my heart that her and I are much closer than we have ever been despite the distance in miles that separate us and I absolutely cherish each and every time I get to speak to her or just hear her voice. I've also been blessed with terribly wonderful family friends who I never would have expected to have come in to my life at such a difficult time. But without batting an eye they accepted me, problems and all, in to their house, their home and their lives. And I could never repay them or show them enough how truly grateful I am to each one of them. They even gave me the semblance of a job when I was really down on my luck at another really low point in this journey. Last, but not least, I've had my crazy fur-babies with me through this insanity. Each one of them has seen me and loved me on the absolute worst of my days, to my absolute best. They love me no matter what mood I'm in and they don't judge me when I have to skip a shower for a day or two. Pageant tries her best to comfort me when I'm sobbing and she quite literally will claw down any wall to get to me when she hears me. Finn and Artemis aren't quite attuned to my moods, but they have their own unique ways of showing how much they care.
These days, Finn proves to be super carefree and happy when he isn't faced with strangers and dangers. He's happiest where he's most comfortable: at home. I can't say I blame him as I am the same way. I still try to occasionally break him out of that comfort zone and he has proven to do better with meeting people, despite that it'll always be a work in progress. If he's more open in doing anything, it's in complaining to me that he wants attention or play. He has gotten pretty used to "Speak"-ing for treats though.
I am now embracing my artwork more. I still have doubts and lack a lot of self-confidence, but I'm learning to love every sketch I make. From the quickest most poorly drawn toe, to the most detailed eye in a face. I know I still have a lot to learn even in that department, but the fact is I feel much better embracing the hard work in my art than I ever have at any other given point in my lifetime. I'll continue to have moments where I falter and am not happy with my work or my place in life. I just hope that there's always equally amazing, beautiful things in my life to show me that I'm not as alone or useless as I feel.
Thank you all for following mine and Finn's journey thus far. I will try to keep an update for once every anniversary.
If you are still interested in following more of my journey in my art practice, I now have a blog for trying to maintain my focus. You can find it here: https://pbwithj.wordpress.com/
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